Monday, June 23, 2008


I began testing on either Tuesday or Wednesday (I'm not even sure which any more) and they were negative, although I swore when I held them up to the light at a certain angle and crossed my eyes, that there was a faint line. I had zero symtoms, other than tearing up while watching that little girl sing on America's Got Talent, and then falling asleep around 7:30 the next night.

But then something shocking happened. On Thursday, I got a faint BFP. And I would ordinarily be over the moon excited, except that I've been down this road before, and I don't like how the story ends. So I didn't even mention it to Greg. Instead I waited to see what would happen on Friday. Well all 5 BFPs on Friday were just as faint as those the day before. They didn't appear to be getting any darker. So I was positive at this point that the news was going to be bad. But I called and scheduled a blood test for Sat. anyway. I decided that I would tell him on Saturday afternoon if the results were higher than 50, and if not, I would wait until after my repeat beta on Monday. I guess I was afraid to tell him for fear of getting excited myself. When the Dr. called on Sat. afternoon I thought it had to be bad news. I was expecting a call from the nurse, and in my experience, it isn't good news when the Dr. personally calls himself. But then he gave me the greatest news possible: 189. It was better than I could have imagined, but I am still trying hard not to get too excited. No doubt I will certainly breathe easier this afternoon if my numbers have doubled, but I don't think I will truly be convinced that I am pregnant until I see a baby in my uterus, with a heartbeat.

So, there it is. That's my big news. Stay tuned for the results, good, bad, or ugly.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

Today I am 5dpiui. I am feeling great if you don't count the insane one-woman conversation going on and on and on in my head. Could I be pregnant? Not a chance in hell. Really? No, not really; of course you are pregnant? Really, really? No, not really, really; you are SO not pregnant. And then over and over. And then I'll sneeze. Oh my gosh. Was that a symptom, cause I'm pretty sure I sneezed when I was pregnant last time. This kind of crazy, irrational thought takes up my whole day and!!!

I am already contemplating in my head when I could possibly test and get a bfp. 9dpiui? 10dpiui? But right now, I have decided that I am pregnant until proven otherwise. This seems to shut up my inner voice momentarily, and it convinces me to wait as long as possible to test for fear of "proving otherwise." So for now I am enjoying my pregnancy ---- all 2 weeks, 5 days of it.

Monday, June 9, 2008

The Deed is Done

Well, I went in on Friday for a quick follie scan and bloodwork. The left ovary was behaving very well and had a few follicles, but not so big that it would squash my chances of ovulating on the right. On the right I had 4 or 5 good follicles all around the same size, between 13 and 16 mm. And then one misfit who was a 18.5 mm. When my bloodwork came back, it was of course this misfit that caused me to begin surging early, before the other good little follies had a chance to catch up. I figured the iui would be on Sunday or Monday....until I got the phone call to trigger RIGHT NOW, and iui would be Saturday morning. So, that's how it went. Everything just felt so off. But now, here I am, 2 days into the 2ww, hoping that the timing wasn't as far off as I thought. I have decided to be hopeful anyway, because there is no sense in feeling all doomy and gloomy all the time. And I keep telling myself that out of the 3 previous iuis with injectibles, we got pregnant 2 times. and 2 out of 3 ain't bad, right?

So, that's where I'm at right now. Do you think it is too early to test??

I am doing everything in my power not to surf the baby gear or pregnancy websites. But I have already begun all of my other silly rituals--drinking pineapple juice, looking up the would-be due date.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I'm in a Funk

I had my follicle scan and bloodwork this morning. Everything appears to be going well--follicles on my right are slightly bigger than those on my left, and all are a little bigger than a couple days ago. My estradiol jumped from 192 on Monday to 756 today, so it seems that my body is responding to the meds nicely. I cut back my follistim tonight and I am eagerly awaiting my next set of instructions tomorrow. Oh, and did I mention the mysterious cyst looking thing just outside of my right ovary suspiciously close to my only remaining fallopian tube????? The Dr. doesn't seem concerned right now. So I am pretending not to be as well....not doing a very good job.

So why can't I get excited about this cycle? I have felt hope begin to creep in a few times the past few days, and I always manage to squash it with negative thoughts. I guess it is because the goal used to be to get that BFP. That was until that first ectopic. So then the new plan was to get a BFP and doubling HCGs. That was until this last ectopic. So I guess now I just hope for a BFP with doubling HCGs and a beautiful perfect heartbeat in my uterus if that isn't too much to ask. I think I'm just pissed off that I have been completely robbed of the innocence that so many others get to enjoy. It was one thing to start fertility treatments and be robbed of that "oh my gosh, what a surprise" moment. But to be robbed of the joy of seeing those two lines come up on the hpt, or even the happiness of the call from the Dr. office. Well that just sucks. So I guess I need to just sit on that for a couple days and whine and lick my wounds. But fear not, hope always has a way of creeping in during the 2ww.