I'm in a Funk

I had my follicle scan and bloodwork this morning. Everything appears to be going well--follicles on my right are slightly bigger than those on my left, and all are a little bigger than a couple days ago. My estradiol jumped from 192 on Monday to 756 today, so it seems that my body is responding to the meds nicely. I cut back my follistim tonight and I am eagerly awaiting my next set of instructions tomorrow. Oh, and did I mention the mysterious cyst looking thing just outside of my right ovary suspiciously close to my only remaining fallopian tube????? The Dr. doesn't seem concerned right now. So I am pretending not to be as well....not doing a very good job.

So why can't I get excited about this cycle? I have felt hope begin to creep in a few times the past few days, and I always manage to squash it with negative thoughts. I guess it is because the goal used to be to get that BFP. That was until that first ectopic. So then the new plan was to get a BFP and doubling HCGs. That was until this last ectopic. So I guess now I just hope for a BFP with doubling HCGs and a beautiful perfect heartbeat in my uterus if that isn't too much to ask. I think I'm just pissed off that I have been completely robbed of the innocence that so many others get to enjoy. It was one thing to start fertility treatments and be robbed of that "oh my gosh, what a surprise" moment. But to be robbed of the joy of seeing those two lines come up on the hpt, or even the happiness of the call from the Dr. office. Well that just sucks. So I guess I need to just sit on that for a couple days and whine and lick my wounds. But fear not, hope always has a way of creeping in during the 2ww.